How have you started your new year? Any resolutions? Personally, I decided to stick to my classics, which are, in fact, more mottos for a lifetime rather than resolutions: The first is to be honest with myself, the second is to believe in myself and to follow my dreams no matter what; and the third is to conquer my fears, for my name means "daughter of Mars" or "the courageous/ the brave one"; and I believe that true courage does not show in having no fears but in stand up to your fears, face them and finally conquer them. And I definitely want to live up to my name, so this is my most important truth, because it is a part of me and defines a part of who I am and what I do stand for.
Does it ring a bell? Approximately one year before I asked myself, here on this blog, what I do stand for. I wouldn't dare to say that I've found the answer - For to find it will probably be a lifelong undertaking - But what I've found is something like an attempt, a first hint on the treasure hunt, a beginning:
Part of what I stand for are the things I love - The starry sky at night, the lights of tokyo, the beautiful calm and the breathtaking stormy sea, rain, gales, the wind playing with my hair as I ride on a horseback, my music and singing under the hot shower, laughing until I'm crying, summer and the smell of fresh cut grass turning to hay, the first bite of a ripe, juicy summer-fruit, seawater in my hair, the overwhelming presence of a single moment - all of that is part of it, but it doesn't define what I stand for.
Part of what I do stand for are the ones I hold dear, the ones I love, the one who are always standing next to me - wether I can feel the warmth of their bodies or just the presence of a precious person being hundreds and thousands of miles away - Persons I admire, persons that support me, persons that I maybe just met once - Persons I love; my friends and family (in fact it's the same thing, for friends are the family you can choose yourself) and persons that impressed me. They all are part of it, but they are not what I stand for.
Part of what I do stand for are all the places i've been so far, all the persons I've met, everything I've seen, smelled, sensed - Everything that has had an impact on me, everything that formed me to what I am today. They form a big part of what I am, but they are not what I stand for, either.
And last of all, part of what I do stand for are my will, my hopes and dreams, my goals and achievements to-be, the path I choose to go on from now on. I believe in destiny, but I'm convinced that each and everyone of us holds his or her destiny in her own hands - You are not pleased how things went so far? You think the world isn't fair? Who said things have to remain this way?! Change your own destiny rather than complain about the past or fear the future - no pain no gain! You have to be convinced about what you are doing, give it your all and never stop to believe - Some of you may call me naive, but there are always two sides of a coin - Equal to all disaster and misfortune there has to be chances, luck and secret hints pointing you in the right direction. Life may not be fair, but it's just.
But also for this last part, I have to say, it's a part of me, but not what I stand for.
"So, what's her point?!" you might ask yourself, since all I have done so far is defining what I do NOT stand for. Since I don't want to bore you, I shall give you now my attempt of the solution to this rather challenging question:
I first thought of it under the shower (gooood people, if you have to think about something go showering - I don't know why, maybe it washes away the bigger part of confusion in your brain(or maybe even the brain in whole), but to me it's something like a magical enlightenment-machine) while listening once more to FUN's "Some Nights". And once again, I asked myself the same question - "What do I stand for?" I comforted myself with the thought that I just needed to live on in order to develop myself further, get to know myself better (which is still rather difficult sometimes!XD) and eventually would understand and get my answer. Then, the cynical part of me (rather big!-.-'' :P) showed up and to lecture me(yes, I always dispute with myself in my head - sometimes that can gat reaaally noisy!-.-''):
"uuuh, there she goes again, the great philosopher in spe - Shall I tell you what you stand for? You stand for *drrrrrrruuuuuums*....YOURSELF!*Tadaaaa!* Deep shit, I know! You got your answer so shut up now, will ya?"
First I had to giggle about my lame philosophic attempt to answer my question, but then I started to think, that in fact it wasn't that lame at all. I mean, sure, it's plump, but rather than standing for certain values, convictions or beliefs, one stands for everything that's making him or her to what she or he is - You do not stand for a single thing but the sum of all pieces that make you a special, individual being!
So yeah - That's my best attempt to for to answer my question:
I stand for myself.
I really love to see how each circle will close at some point, regardless to how much you struggle to find a solution to your problem, an answer to your question or the key to a locked door - At some point you will find it. Or rather it will find you. Probably when you expect it the least. And most certainly I will not come to you in the form you expect it. But lost things always come back to you. One way or another. Each circle will absolutely close again at some point. Without fail.
Remember how I wrote about the feeling of wandering around in the mist without a clue of direction and how I was asking for a knight with a red flag? Well, he might have appeared. I'm not quite sure wether it was the knight himself or just an oracle pointing me the way towards the knight, but that alone was enough reassurement to keep on walking. I am a traveller and walker, a dreamer and believer, a searcher and a finder, and I want to inspire people - I want to give them dreams, to show the beauty of the world - I am the dream-donor. For this goal I will probably never stop walking, never stop searching, looking for answers - and eventually find them.
But on my way I'll never walk alone. One one side there will always be persons accompany me on parts of my route - Some will be by my side longer than others, but nevertheless they are all important. A single second can change your whole life.
And on the other side, there will always be music. Music accompanying me, comforting me, encouraging me. At christmas i talked with one part of my relatives about religion - No Offense, but the best decision I made last year was to leave the church. I don't have anything against Christianity or religion in general, it's just that I can't come to the point to believe in something like the christian god the way the church wants us to believe. Especially since I was in Japan and experienced how people there practice religion: For some events like new year they go and pray at a shrine to shintoistic gods, if someone dies they hold a buddhistic ceremony and modern weddings are often hold in a traditional way(buddhistic temple/ shintoistic shrine) and !! in a church with the white wedding dress etc. They celebrate St- Valentines and Christmas without being "official" christians. That made me wonder why we have to categorize everything and everyone around us - Christian, Buddhist, Moslem, Shinto, Hindu, big, small, good, bad, pretty, ugly - Come on guys, we don't live in a black/white world!!!(In fact it would be nice if everything was so clear, but the world is full of shady greys and tones of colors! So just STOP putting an etiquette on everything and start to LOOK at things in detail). Does me leaving the church makes me an anti-christ, atheist or a bad person? I don't think so! Someone told me after hearing that I quit being part of the church that she thought it was kind of too early to make a decision like this. I got her point, but I think it's rather ignorant to connect the ability to make personal decisions with age - I mean, in fact history has proven many times that the oldest can make the most hillarious, stupid and fatal decisions - but still there remains this unwritten rule in our society (to which I agree to a certain extent) that wisdoms comes with age and therefore young people should wait to make decisions until they get older. But who said that we can't make important decisions? Don't you think I thought deeply through all the consequences and did a lot of research before quitting? It's not like "Oh, I'm kind of fed up with this club, maybe we'll see each other the next season again since I'll probably get bored enough to join you guys again!". If you come to a decision like this, you do it out of a conviction (which is probably not going to change again so fast), not out of a mood!
If anyone is asking: Music is my religion!
There are so many great artists out there, telling stories so much deeper than the empty phrases many priest are preaching out there. In terms of religion, Miyavi would probably be my god, since I really think he's a guitar god!*_* I thought for a longer period now about learning an instrument, but in fact, it's mainly because of him fascinating me with his music that I decided I will be the guitar (I'll make myself a present for my 20th birthday I think!^v^<3).
Yes, Miyavi is my god.
My Angel is Hyde from L'Arc en ciel, because with his angelic voice he and L'arc en ciel inspired me already so many times, comforted me and escorted me to the world of dreams. My apostles, preachers, priests and saviours of sanity would be One Ok Rock, Bump of Chicken, Fall Out Boy, YUI, VIXX, Nirvana, Blind Melons, Buena Vista Social Club and many more, because they see beyond and speak out loud what others don't dare to take in their mouth.
And finally, my personal Jesus (I always have to think of Marilyn Mansons Song when I think of this term!xD) is definitely Jared Leto and his Band 30 Seconds to Mars!
A couple of years ago, I first stumbled upon "Hurricane" and was fascinated as well as alienated. Therefore I didn't really get into their music at the time, just knowing one or two songs of them and knowing that I found them to be really cool and awesome. Last year I got to know that they finally released a new album "Love Lust Faith and Dreams" and I just knew I had to get it!! When I heard that they were coming to Zuerich it was already settled: I buied the ticket and a friend and I went together - the athmosphere was just awesome, Echelon (The name of the fans) was, as expected, special and somewhat different from the usual fans and groupies one can find at most of the concerts. Ever since that night, I couldn't deny any longer to have also become a part of Echelon, although I'm usually not a "fan"of music groups and am rather averse to fanclubs, fandoms and such!-.-'' But the system with Mars is somehow different..One can't really explain...I think either ones does understand or not. The bonds between Echelon and Mars are also thicker than with many other bands, and to the question "Is this a cult?" the band as well as Echelon had a mutual answer: "Yes, this is a cult."
(lolz, I can only imagine how some parents freaked out because they were thinking their kids fell for some strange cult, which definitely had to be satanistic or what do I know!xP)
Their music is ..ART! Each music video is an own oeuvre and the lyrics are all kind of really deep and you need to listen carefully and more than once to really understand the meaning. Mars are constantly playing with symbols(such as the triad which has become symbol for the band itself) and to make mysterious statements such as "find the argus apocraphex" which is to be found in various of their videos and causes huge discussions amongst Echelon of what this Argus Apocraphex is since years.
I love how they never give the solutions to the meaning of their symbols and quests, they just give hints and want to find us our own solutions.
That were just various reasons why I love them so much (a friend recently asked my which was my favorite song of them and I came finally up with a list covering like half of their songs in total - already finding it really hard to exclude the others!xD)
So, if you ever get a chance to go to one of their concerts, GO!;)
That's all I have to say so far, stay healthy and never stop to search!;)
your cheeky devil